Courage

In al-anon I've come to understand the fantasy thinking addicts use as a tool to cope or manipulate.  Today, I don't know what he's thinking or how he's doing so I texted him this:

Today is a new day. I hope you can focus on just today, not worry about tomorrow and have the courage to change what you can.  Every second you are stronger than your addiction should be celebrated!  Focus on what you are doing right no matter how big or small the change is.

Love, Mom

maybe this is my own fantasy thinking....but what if these words make the difference this time?  He says he's going back to sober living....tomorrow  

The number 3

It's barely 3 months into Brent's recovery and he's slipping away from us again. My heart aches for what he must be going through.  He has told me that the he's sick and tired of being sick and tired, but yet he turns to his addiction for comfort.  Why can't I be enough comfort???? why do I have to compete with his addiction??? Why can't it be enough to have a roof over his head, food, family who will help when he's doing the right things and all we ask is that he puts in the same effort we do?  It seems so simple to me and yet here I am again. Fearful of the next call from the 661 area code, thinking about how I am going to even be able to stay sane through all of this.  Three months seems to be a pivotal moment that he can't seem to master.  About the time life starts to get routine and mundane that he can't see the forest through the trees and worry consumes him.  I know I am powerless and I've gotten pretty good at compartmentalizing my day and letting the noise of work keep me distracted enough to see me through my day. Then Brent calls, I count to ten and take a deep breath before I answer.  I love you Brent....  

30 Days

He is 30 days clean and sober.  Today he is scheduled to move into Sober Living.  He is strong, happy and positive he's ready to put recovery first now.   These were all such great gifts!  I would give anything to right the wrongs in his life. I wish I was the job he needs to be self sufficient, the car he needs to drive himself to work, the food and shelter he needs to be safe and sheltered, the cure for his addiction, the abundance of love in his heart so that he would not feel sadness or fear.  I know I can't be or do any of those things for him, but I can be his mom who will love him through it.  I wonder if he knows how often I think of him throughout my day and send him positive thoughts as if I have magical powers.  I'm going to focus on the gifts I have today and try not to worry about the future too much.

Serenity isn't a matter of chance; it's a matter of choice....

3 weeks

Today has been an especially emotional day for some reason.  Brent has 3 weeks of recovery behind him and it seems like the world is against him.  I remind him and I that we can only live by the words of the Serenity prayer.  I hope that the legal challenges he is about to face won't be so severe and yet just enough to be the final wake up call that puts him permanently on a path to recovery.  Today he called and called me an Al-Anon thumper. LOL!  Not sure what that means, but I'll take it as a compliment.  It was good to hear him joke and laugh on the phone with me.   My reading for today in the book Courage to Change was very insightful....

"there is a guidance for each of us, and by lowly listening we shall hear the right word....Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom which flows into your life. Then, without effort, you are impelled to truth and to perfect contentment".   -Ralph Waldo-Emerson

Momma Bear

Brent has been clean and sober for a week!  He has sounded so good on the phone until today.  Reports from his counselor are that he is participating in group and doing the hard work.  I can tell he's feeling better because he wants new jeans LOL!  I tease him about being such a metro dude.   Today when he called I could hear the sadness in his voice.  He had a visit from his aunt Ellen.  She decided today was the day to tell him about the many horrible things she thought about him.  I felt so sad for hiim as I know he's always cared for her, but said he knows he caused it.   Drug addiction creates such wreckage in the addict's life.  I love my son so much but also hate the addiction too.  I don't know why today was the day Ellen felt the need to confront Brent, but I can say that I  really wanted to punch her in the face.   All I could think was  "you bitch!"  Does the bitch not care that two weeks ago Brent wanted to die?????  Nooooo...she only cares that he took something from her.   Well, I'm mad that drugs took my beautiful son!  All I could do was say the Serenity Prayer silently until my anger and need to lash out at her passed.  She's a fool, Brent's dad is a bigger fool.  I guess that's on me as our kids don't get a say in who their family is right?    3 more weeks of rehab....god  I hope he stays strong and makes it this time.

New Hope

Today I'm feeling very hopeful once again.  Jack and I flew to CA to assist Brent in his transition back into rehab for another round of inpatient treatment. The first visit was a bit stressful as he was in detox.  His coloring was bad and so was his attitude.  Our 2nd and 3rd visit with him he was much better and more positive and seemed ready to get sober.  It occurred to Jack and I that part of Brent's cycle of addiction was to leave one location to another as a way to avoid dealing with consequences.  He's been doing that since he was a teenager. Whenever he became too much for his dad to deal with he would get shipped off to us and just when we'd get him back on track and headed in the right direction his dad would lure him back.  Having seen some success in his recovery program last year then going back to CA where he relapsed again we feel like he needs to stay in CA for his recovery work this time.  We are hoping this is a small change on our part to help that will have a big positive impact.  Here is where all his triggers are and he needs to know how to deal with those triggers and face the wreckage he's caused and deal with the consequences of his actions and choices.  He has 30 days in inpatient and will be given the opportunity to go into a residential sober living house in CA.  I'm so relieved at the moment and so happy that this weekend leaves me with a memory of his smiling face and love I felt towards us.  Today at least, I am not in my insanity box.

Self Care

I continue to look for ways to cope with the affects that my son's drug addiction has on me and our family.  Today, I decided to add blogging to my list of self-care options.  I keep searching for the one thing that is going to keep me sane!  I even got a tattoo of a lotus flower with the Serenity symbol as a daily reminder that I cannot control my son's addiction.   I attend Al-Anon meetings pretty regularly and they do help, but the one thing I find I'm missing is the cross talk we had when we were attending family group with Brent.  God, how I had such hope for Brent's recovery last year!  For a period of time, I had my funny and loving son back.  I had never felt closer to him when we attended the family group meetings each week.  He and I were able to open up to one another like never before and I actually thought the worst was over.  That's the game addiction plays on us I guess.  In September I saw him slipping away again.    I thought maybe blogging about living with my son's addiction might be a good replacement for the cross talk we don't do in the Al-Anon meetings.  With the hope that others would see my blog and comment.  For now, while I continue to wait for Brent to come back to us I will work on my own self-care plan by reading, going to the gym, crying, my work, my family, my friends, and trying to enjoy the good in my life as best I can.  I haven't worked the steps nor do I have a sponsor...maybe that should be next in my action plan