Game Face

The last 7 days have been pretty typical......not so much.  In the last 7 days I started staining our new deck, helping my mom a little with her yard project,  attended 25 meetings at work, took my team of 22 to the zoo for our 3rd annual off-site, had dinner with my fellow angels, scheduled Barley's vet appointment and learned she's having surgery again,  hired a new employee, checked in with Lexi who was doing her first long road trip to CA, celebrated Ryann's first spelling test in first grade (100%!) received about 35 calls from an inmate in the Kern County jail, told my mom her grandson was in jail, had a call with a bail bondsman who said he could tell I was just a mom and would give me a discount since he was certain I wasn't paying with dirty money, called an attorney, called the public defender and chatted with the mom of my next grand baby about names and learned he's got 18 charges, $120k in bail and facing 6 years in prison.  6 years????   How can this be? How does that even make sense? 

I am proud of my son for turning himself in and for not running away.  For once, he did the right thing, faced the consequences of his actions.  I told myself that this needed to happen, to be his wake up call so that he could do his time and then put it all behind him....move on and start living a happy productive life, be a father, be my son, be Lexi's brother and overcome his addiction.  I had come to terms with a number and that number was not 6 years!   In my mind, 6 years is a game changer.  Ryann will be in middle school, our new little peanut not even born yet will be almost 6.  

Brent and I have had some difficult conversations this past week about why I felt bailing him out wasn't the right kind of help.    I love my son, but he's been running away from the consequences of his actions for so long that I felt it was time to pay the piper.   Plus, he could be involuntarily sober without the ability to check himself out of the program and  I would maybe sleep a little better knowing he wasn't living on the street and/or high. But 6 years is still a game changer in my mind. How will that change him?  I don't know what to do. I am so incredibly sad and tired.  I've been up since 3:30am again. It's almost time to put my game face on again...at least it's Friday...whew I made it another week.  

Why do I blog about my son's addiction?

I am thankful for the support I get from those who read my blog and let me know how it touches their lives.  Brent doesn't understand why I need to share so publicly and it makes me wonder if others feel the same? That might be a good discussion for Facebook! 

I started my blog because I needed another tool besides counseling and Al-Anon to cope, process my feelings and keep my sanity in check. My blog is meant to be about me and for me.  I am no longer in denial that I have been the enabler in my son's life like so many others like me who love him.  I continue to struggle with my feelings of guilt and wish I could have done so many things differently.  If only I had known!  It's a constant struggle I have on what help to offer Brent and to resist the temptations of crossing that line of enabling.  I'm his mom, I love my son and would do anything to help him overcome this horrid disease.  Through this journey I have been surprised a few times by the lack of empathy some have shown him and his disease, but that's not for me to fix or judge.  If you think my blog is WTMI "way too much information" then I encourage you to use your free will and go read something else.  I will not hide behind shame and guilt any longer.

Case and point:

Yesterday, I was on the phone with Brent and found myself again in a position faced with a decision and feeling a lot of anxiety about whether it was helping or enabling.  As we were talking, another call came in and he put me on hold.  I waited on the line agonizing over what to tell him.  After a few minutes, he came back to tell me that Teen Challenge had an open spot and if he had a ride and if he could get there before 5pm he was in.  I told him that was the greatest news and encouraged him to get there somehow.  Did you happen to catch that I didn't offer to arrange that ride for him?  It was hard and yes, I still cried after we hung up.   Next thing I heard was that someone, who had recently read my blog and then shared his own addiction story with me, was picking up Brent. Together they made their way to Teen Challenge in time for the 5:00 check-in.  You might have seen the picture he posted of the two of them on Facebook.  It has been weeks since I saw Brent and in the picture he looked uncertain. I know he's thinking, "can I do this for 12 months?"  YES, BRENT YOU CAN! LISTEN TO YOUR MOM FOR ONCE!

Maybe the events that transpired yesterday would have happened anyway without my blog, but just maybe my blog and taking a moment to question myself about what help I was willing to offer him were the reasons Brent isn't on the streets and using today.  I hope he keeps trying. I will keep blogging. I will keep working on me because yesterday helping me helped him.  hmmmmmm... 

In Al-Anon, we say the Serenity Prayer at the closing of each meeting and we end it with this saying that I use to think was silly, but I get it now:

Keep coming back. It works if you work it!!

So ya, let's do that, ok Brent?

Thank you Austin, for being the higher power that Brent and I both needed yesterday.   Thank you Jack, my loving husband,  who connected the dots for me AGAIN.

Parenting Moments

My mom says we only get what we can handle, but lately I feel like someone got out of line ahead of me and said "can you hold this?" and then never came back.  How is it possible that on the same day I'm having two completely extreme parenting moments? My son calls saying he's hungry, wants me to get him a hotel room. I say no. He says he's going to kill himself.  I barely sleep at all and the alarm goes off at 5am as planned. This day is for my daughter - celebrating her success and entry into a new university. I was so honored and happy that she asked me to take part in the day registering and exploring her new school. I could not be more proud of her.  She has goals, she has ambition and drive. I know she will succeed. Towards the end of my day dad calls. This is another odd part of my life. I was never very close with the man, mostly he scared me.  I never measured up to his expectations and I don't think in all my childhood he ever told me he loved me. After his stroke he started calling me day and night literally.

Some days he's the US President and might not have time to see me, some days he calls to say 'I love you' and that he's planning a vacation and he wants me and my family to go. I love this version of my dad and I'm glad I have this time with him crazy or not.  I love the woman my daughter is turning into right before my eyes.  Brent says he's going to try detox again tomorrow.  I'm glad he's still trying.    I know he has the strength to get clean and sober.  Lately, his words to me are hurtful, mean and scary.  That is the addiction not my son. I want my son back and when he does come back maybe he and I can have a day like I did with Lexi today.   I really hope so...

Hope

I took one of those silly Facebook surveys and it came back and told me my happy word is hope:

"You refuse to give up on anyone, including yourself. You see the best in others. You think happiness should be shared. You spread your message of optimism as much as possible. You will keep believing when everyone else has stopped. You think good will always prevail in the end. You believe if we trusted each other more, the world would be a better place. All we need is a little hope."

Funny how these messages present themselves to me during times when I'm feeling less hopeful. The enabler in Brent's life is showing signs of running out of hope for the life she imagined she could have with him.  This has me wondering what's next for him?  

He had 3 sober months once and got his 3 month coin. I still carry it with me in my wallet as a symbol of hope to remind me he can do it, has done it, even if it was only 3 months. It's Memorial Day weekend and while many celebrate those who served our country I am celebrating the hope I have for my son who is still struggling to overcome his addiction and my hope that someday I will get my funny, sweet and loving son back.

Trading Places

I'm tired of taking the blame for his problems, his anger and his pain.  I wish I could trade places with him even for a moment.  Because in that moment he would never question my love for him again and he would know how much I miss him and how badly I want a normal relationship with him.  He would know that I do want to help him problem solve the simple everyday challenges in his life and encourage him to keep trying and to feel proud when he gets that sense of accomplishment when he gets what he goes after.  I want to believe him, trust him and protect him.   I want him to believe me, trust me, protect me, but most of all I just want him to love me....and if I could trade places I would use my mom powers and he would never ever use again 

Retail Therapy

It's been a week a one day since Brent and I have talked.  The day was meant to be mine and mine alone.  Knowing that I had appointment number 399 with my ortho doc in the afternoon near our favorite mall I invited my mom to tag along with me.  Ever since I can remember, mom and I have been great shopping buddies.  Ortho doc still stumped and wants more tests - argh!  So off to the Washington Square mall for some much needed retail therapy to get my mind off the pain in my knee.  Brent called and as I always do I answer.  He's distraught, angry, depressed and manic on the phone. He's begging me to get on a plane and go spend a weekend with him. He tells me he needs to feel loved and wanted. Can't I just go and be with him he says?  He found a airplane ticket for $120.....mom please I need you he says.  I'm sorry and I didn't really mean it when I said you are nothing but a checkbook to me....I was just being sarcastic he says.  Why don't you love me he says. Why can't it be just you and me like it was when I was little he says?  I get angry on the phone, I'm hurt, I'm sad and scared.  I realize in that moment I was also feeling like just an open checkbook in his life and I needed a break from his addiction.  Five pairs of shoes, $100 in makeup and 3 new outfits.

My mom is 74- I'm so lucky to have this time with her. I try to find ways to make her life easier and to make her feel loved. She's done a lot for me over the years, loved me unconditionally.   Spending time with her shopping, traveling, dinners together, helping her do stuff that hard for her to do now that she older.  This is how it is suppose to be!  I enjoy doing things for mom just to hear her laugh and see her so happy to be included in our lives.  This is how it so suppose to go...just like she did for her parents 

Brent-

Why don't you love me?

When will you prioritize my needs over your own?

When will you call me and ask me how my day is and how can you make it better?

When will you be able to take care of me when I'm sick or sad?

When will you realize that I love you no matter what?

When will you accept the wreckage you have caused in our lives and be ready to make amends?

Do you know how much I want a hug from you and to hear you tell me it's all going to be ok and that I don't need to worry any more because you've got this?

Why weren't you here for my surprise 50th birthday party after you helped plan it?

When does it get to be my turn?

Today I will wear my serenity prayer bracelet that my loving husband gave me and do my best to remember that I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it.... Maybe a little more retail therapy?

Courage

In al-anon I've come to understand the fantasy thinking addicts use as a tool to cope or manipulate.  Today, I don't know what he's thinking or how he's doing so I texted him this:

Today is a new day. I hope you can focus on just today, not worry about tomorrow and have the courage to change what you can.  Every second you are stronger than your addiction should be celebrated!  Focus on what you are doing right no matter how big or small the change is.

Love, Mom

maybe this is my own fantasy thinking....but what if these words make the difference this time?  He says he's going back to sober living....tomorrow  

The number 3

It's barely 3 months into Brent's recovery and he's slipping away from us again. My heart aches for what he must be going through.  He has told me that the he's sick and tired of being sick and tired, but yet he turns to his addiction for comfort.  Why can't I be enough comfort???? why do I have to compete with his addiction??? Why can't it be enough to have a roof over his head, food, family who will help when he's doing the right things and all we ask is that he puts in the same effort we do?  It seems so simple to me and yet here I am again. Fearful of the next call from the 661 area code, thinking about how I am going to even be able to stay sane through all of this.  Three months seems to be a pivotal moment that he can't seem to master.  About the time life starts to get routine and mundane that he can't see the forest through the trees and worry consumes him.  I know I am powerless and I've gotten pretty good at compartmentalizing my day and letting the noise of work keep me distracted enough to see me through my day. Then Brent calls, I count to ten and take a deep breath before I answer.  I love you Brent....  

30 Days

He is 30 days clean and sober.  Today he is scheduled to move into Sober Living.  He is strong, happy and positive he's ready to put recovery first now.   These were all such great gifts!  I would give anything to right the wrongs in his life. I wish I was the job he needs to be self sufficient, the car he needs to drive himself to work, the food and shelter he needs to be safe and sheltered, the cure for his addiction, the abundance of love in his heart so that he would not feel sadness or fear.  I know I can't be or do any of those things for him, but I can be his mom who will love him through it.  I wonder if he knows how often I think of him throughout my day and send him positive thoughts as if I have magical powers.  I'm going to focus on the gifts I have today and try not to worry about the future too much.

Serenity isn't a matter of chance; it's a matter of choice....

3 weeks

Today has been an especially emotional day for some reason.  Brent has 3 weeks of recovery behind him and it seems like the world is against him.  I remind him and I that we can only live by the words of the Serenity prayer.  I hope that the legal challenges he is about to face won't be so severe and yet just enough to be the final wake up call that puts him permanently on a path to recovery.  Today he called and called me an Al-Anon thumper. LOL!  Not sure what that means, but I'll take it as a compliment.  It was good to hear him joke and laugh on the phone with me.   My reading for today in the book Courage to Change was very insightful....

"there is a guidance for each of us, and by lowly listening we shall hear the right word....Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom which flows into your life. Then, without effort, you are impelled to truth and to perfect contentment".   -Ralph Waldo-Emerson

Momma Bear

Brent has been clean and sober for a week!  He has sounded so good on the phone until today.  Reports from his counselor are that he is participating in group and doing the hard work.  I can tell he's feeling better because he wants new jeans LOL!  I tease him about being such a metro dude.   Today when he called I could hear the sadness in his voice.  He had a visit from his aunt Ellen.  She decided today was the day to tell him about the many horrible things she thought about him.  I felt so sad for hiim as I know he's always cared for her, but said he knows he caused it.   Drug addiction creates such wreckage in the addict's life.  I love my son so much but also hate the addiction too.  I don't know why today was the day Ellen felt the need to confront Brent, but I can say that I  really wanted to punch her in the face.   All I could think was  "you bitch!"  Does the bitch not care that two weeks ago Brent wanted to die?????  Nooooo...she only cares that he took something from her.   Well, I'm mad that drugs took my beautiful son!  All I could do was say the Serenity Prayer silently until my anger and need to lash out at her passed.  She's a fool, Brent's dad is a bigger fool.  I guess that's on me as our kids don't get a say in who their family is right?    3 more weeks of rehab....god  I hope he stays strong and makes it this time.

New Hope

Today I'm feeling very hopeful once again.  Jack and I flew to CA to assist Brent in his transition back into rehab for another round of inpatient treatment. The first visit was a bit stressful as he was in detox.  His coloring was bad and so was his attitude.  Our 2nd and 3rd visit with him he was much better and more positive and seemed ready to get sober.  It occurred to Jack and I that part of Brent's cycle of addiction was to leave one location to another as a way to avoid dealing with consequences.  He's been doing that since he was a teenager. Whenever he became too much for his dad to deal with he would get shipped off to us and just when we'd get him back on track and headed in the right direction his dad would lure him back.  Having seen some success in his recovery program last year then going back to CA where he relapsed again we feel like he needs to stay in CA for his recovery work this time.  We are hoping this is a small change on our part to help that will have a big positive impact.  Here is where all his triggers are and he needs to know how to deal with those triggers and face the wreckage he's caused and deal with the consequences of his actions and choices.  He has 30 days in inpatient and will be given the opportunity to go into a residential sober living house in CA.  I'm so relieved at the moment and so happy that this weekend leaves me with a memory of his smiling face and love I felt towards us.  Today at least, I am not in my insanity box.

Self Care

I continue to look for ways to cope with the affects that my son's drug addiction has on me and our family.  Today, I decided to add blogging to my list of self-care options.  I keep searching for the one thing that is going to keep me sane!  I even got a tattoo of a lotus flower with the Serenity symbol as a daily reminder that I cannot control my son's addiction.   I attend Al-Anon meetings pretty regularly and they do help, but the one thing I find I'm missing is the cross talk we had when we were attending family group with Brent.  God, how I had such hope for Brent's recovery last year!  For a period of time, I had my funny and loving son back.  I had never felt closer to him when we attended the family group meetings each week.  He and I were able to open up to one another like never before and I actually thought the worst was over.  That's the game addiction plays on us I guess.  In September I saw him slipping away again.    I thought maybe blogging about living with my son's addiction might be a good replacement for the cross talk we don't do in the Al-Anon meetings.  With the hope that others would see my blog and comment.  For now, while I continue to wait for Brent to come back to us I will work on my own self-care plan by reading, going to the gym, crying, my work, my family, my friends, and trying to enjoy the good in my life as best I can.  I haven't worked the steps nor do I have a sponsor...maybe that should be next in my action plan

Sunday Weariness

It's Sunday again.  I should be thinking about what awaits me at work and how I can be most effective.  I should have gone to the gym with my husband.  Instead, I sit here and I am consumed by fear.  I'm afraid that this week will be a defining moment in my son's drug addiction and today I am lacking any hope.  This past week has been hell with each day bringing me new levels of heartbreak and anxiety.  Everyday during the past week the news about my son Brent became more bizarre as the days went on.   It started with reports that he had overdosed and died.  You can imagine what impact that had on me. Most of the time I get "Brent news" while I am at work in between meetings.  Through a network of Brent's non-addict friends I was able to confirm he had not died thankfully.  When I was able to track him down I had the misfortune of listening to my son go through horrific withdrawal symptoms on the phone. You see, he could not hear me but where I could hear him.  I could not hang up as horrifying as it was to hear his pain and agony, I kept thinking what if this is the last time I hear his voice? I kept telling him I loved him and begged him to ask for help.  I am bracing myself for what "Brent news" will be brought to me this week.  I wish and I hope, I know I have a tremendous amount of love for my son.  Sometimes it helps me to look at pictures of happier times with him.  Here is one I ran across of him and his beautiful daughter Ryann.   She's five now and I wonder where the time has gone and how do I get my funny, loving beautiful son back?!