Hope

I took one of those silly Facebook surveys and it came back and told me my happy word is hope:

"You refuse to give up on anyone, including yourself. You see the best in others. You think happiness should be shared. You spread your message of optimism as much as possible. You will keep believing when everyone else has stopped. You think good will always prevail in the end. You believe if we trusted each other more, the world would be a better place. All we need is a little hope."

Funny how these messages present themselves to me during times when I'm feeling less hopeful. The enabler in Brent's life is showing signs of running out of hope for the life she imagined she could have with him.  This has me wondering what's next for him?  

He had 3 sober months once and got his 3 month coin. I still carry it with me in my wallet as a symbol of hope to remind me he can do it, has done it, even if it was only 3 months. It's Memorial Day weekend and while many celebrate those who served our country I am celebrating the hope I have for my son who is still struggling to overcome his addiction and my hope that someday I will get my funny, sweet and loving son back.

Trading Places

I'm tired of taking the blame for his problems, his anger and his pain.  I wish I could trade places with him even for a moment.  Because in that moment he would never question my love for him again and he would know how much I miss him and how badly I want a normal relationship with him.  He would know that I do want to help him problem solve the simple everyday challenges in his life and encourage him to keep trying and to feel proud when he gets that sense of accomplishment when he gets what he goes after.  I want to believe him, trust him and protect him.   I want him to believe me, trust me, protect me, but most of all I just want him to love me....and if I could trade places I would use my mom powers and he would never ever use again 

Retail Therapy

It's been a week a one day since Brent and I have talked.  The day was meant to be mine and mine alone.  Knowing that I had appointment number 399 with my ortho doc in the afternoon near our favorite mall I invited my mom to tag along with me.  Ever since I can remember, mom and I have been great shopping buddies.  Ortho doc still stumped and wants more tests - argh!  So off to the Washington Square mall for some much needed retail therapy to get my mind off the pain in my knee.  Brent called and as I always do I answer.  He's distraught, angry, depressed and manic on the phone. He's begging me to get on a plane and go spend a weekend with him. He tells me he needs to feel loved and wanted. Can't I just go and be with him he says?  He found a airplane ticket for $120.....mom please I need you he says.  I'm sorry and I didn't really mean it when I said you are nothing but a checkbook to me....I was just being sarcastic he says.  Why don't you love me he says. Why can't it be just you and me like it was when I was little he says?  I get angry on the phone, I'm hurt, I'm sad and scared.  I realize in that moment I was also feeling like just an open checkbook in his life and I needed a break from his addiction.  Five pairs of shoes, $100 in makeup and 3 new outfits.

My mom is 74- I'm so lucky to have this time with her. I try to find ways to make her life easier and to make her feel loved. She's done a lot for me over the years, loved me unconditionally.   Spending time with her shopping, traveling, dinners together, helping her do stuff that hard for her to do now that she older.  This is how it is suppose to be!  I enjoy doing things for mom just to hear her laugh and see her so happy to be included in our lives.  This is how it so suppose to go...just like she did for her parents 

Brent-

Why don't you love me?

When will you prioritize my needs over your own?

When will you call me and ask me how my day is and how can you make it better?

When will you be able to take care of me when I'm sick or sad?

When will you realize that I love you no matter what?

When will you accept the wreckage you have caused in our lives and be ready to make amends?

Do you know how much I want a hug from you and to hear you tell me it's all going to be ok and that I don't need to worry any more because you've got this?

Why weren't you here for my surprise 50th birthday party after you helped plan it?

When does it get to be my turn?

Today I will wear my serenity prayer bracelet that my loving husband gave me and do my best to remember that I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it.... Maybe a little more retail therapy?

Courage

In al-anon I've come to understand the fantasy thinking addicts use as a tool to cope or manipulate.  Today, I don't know what he's thinking or how he's doing so I texted him this:

Today is a new day. I hope you can focus on just today, not worry about tomorrow and have the courage to change what you can.  Every second you are stronger than your addiction should be celebrated!  Focus on what you are doing right no matter how big or small the change is.

Love, Mom

maybe this is my own fantasy thinking....but what if these words make the difference this time?  He says he's going back to sober living....tomorrow  

The number 3

It's barely 3 months into Brent's recovery and he's slipping away from us again. My heart aches for what he must be going through.  He has told me that the he's sick and tired of being sick and tired, but yet he turns to his addiction for comfort.  Why can't I be enough comfort???? why do I have to compete with his addiction??? Why can't it be enough to have a roof over his head, food, family who will help when he's doing the right things and all we ask is that he puts in the same effort we do?  It seems so simple to me and yet here I am again. Fearful of the next call from the 661 area code, thinking about how I am going to even be able to stay sane through all of this.  Three months seems to be a pivotal moment that he can't seem to master.  About the time life starts to get routine and mundane that he can't see the forest through the trees and worry consumes him.  I know I am powerless and I've gotten pretty good at compartmentalizing my day and letting the noise of work keep me distracted enough to see me through my day. Then Brent calls, I count to ten and take a deep breath before I answer.  I love you Brent....  

30 Days

He is 30 days clean and sober.  Today he is scheduled to move into Sober Living.  He is strong, happy and positive he's ready to put recovery first now.   These were all such great gifts!  I would give anything to right the wrongs in his life. I wish I was the job he needs to be self sufficient, the car he needs to drive himself to work, the food and shelter he needs to be safe and sheltered, the cure for his addiction, the abundance of love in his heart so that he would not feel sadness or fear.  I know I can't be or do any of those things for him, but I can be his mom who will love him through it.  I wonder if he knows how often I think of him throughout my day and send him positive thoughts as if I have magical powers.  I'm going to focus on the gifts I have today and try not to worry about the future too much.

Serenity isn't a matter of chance; it's a matter of choice....

3 weeks

Today has been an especially emotional day for some reason.  Brent has 3 weeks of recovery behind him and it seems like the world is against him.  I remind him and I that we can only live by the words of the Serenity prayer.  I hope that the legal challenges he is about to face won't be so severe and yet just enough to be the final wake up call that puts him permanently on a path to recovery.  Today he called and called me an Al-Anon thumper. LOL!  Not sure what that means, but I'll take it as a compliment.  It was good to hear him joke and laugh on the phone with me.   My reading for today in the book Courage to Change was very insightful....

"there is a guidance for each of us, and by lowly listening we shall hear the right word....Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom which flows into your life. Then, without effort, you are impelled to truth and to perfect contentment".   -Ralph Waldo-Emerson