Retail Therapy

It's been a week a one day since Brent and I have talked.  The day was meant to be mine and mine alone.  Knowing that I had appointment number 399 with my ortho doc in the afternoon near our favorite mall I invited my mom to tag along with me.  Ever since I can remember, mom and I have been great shopping buddies.  Ortho doc still stumped and wants more tests - argh!  So off to the Washington Square mall for some much needed retail therapy to get my mind off the pain in my knee.  Brent called and as I always do I answer.  He's distraught, angry, depressed and manic on the phone. He's begging me to get on a plane and go spend a weekend with him. He tells me he needs to feel loved and wanted. Can't I just go and be with him he says?  He found a airplane ticket for $120.....mom please I need you he says.  I'm sorry and I didn't really mean it when I said you are nothing but a checkbook to me....I was just being sarcastic he says.  Why don't you love me he says. Why can't it be just you and me like it was when I was little he says?  I get angry on the phone, I'm hurt, I'm sad and scared.  I realize in that moment I was also feeling like just an open checkbook in his life and I needed a break from his addiction.  Five pairs of shoes, $100 in makeup and 3 new outfits.

My mom is 74- I'm so lucky to have this time with her. I try to find ways to make her life easier and to make her feel loved. She's done a lot for me over the years, loved me unconditionally.   Spending time with her shopping, traveling, dinners together, helping her do stuff that hard for her to do now that she older.  This is how it is suppose to be!  I enjoy doing things for mom just to hear her laugh and see her so happy to be included in our lives.  This is how it so suppose to go...just like she did for her parents 

Brent-

Why don't you love me?

When will you prioritize my needs over your own?

When will you call me and ask me how my day is and how can you make it better?

When will you be able to take care of me when I'm sick or sad?

When will you realize that I love you no matter what?

When will you accept the wreckage you have caused in our lives and be ready to make amends?

Do you know how much I want a hug from you and to hear you tell me it's all going to be ok and that I don't need to worry any more because you've got this?

Why weren't you here for my surprise 50th birthday party after you helped plan it?

When does it get to be my turn?

Today I will wear my serenity prayer bracelet that my loving husband gave me and do my best to remember that I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it.... Maybe a little more retail therapy?