3 weeks

Today has been an especially emotional day for some reason.  Brent has 3 weeks of recovery behind him and it seems like the world is against him.  I remind him and I that we can only live by the words of the Serenity prayer.  I hope that the legal challenges he is about to face won't be so severe and yet just enough to be the final wake up call that puts him permanently on a path to recovery.  Today he called and called me an Al-Anon thumper. LOL!  Not sure what that means, but I'll take it as a compliment.  It was good to hear him joke and laugh on the phone with me.   My reading for today in the book Courage to Change was very insightful....

"there is a guidance for each of us, and by lowly listening we shall hear the right word....Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom which flows into your life. Then, without effort, you are impelled to truth and to perfect contentment".   -Ralph Waldo-Emerson

Momma Bear

Brent has been clean and sober for a week!  He has sounded so good on the phone until today.  Reports from his counselor are that he is participating in group and doing the hard work.  I can tell he's feeling better because he wants new jeans LOL!  I tease him about being such a metro dude.   Today when he called I could hear the sadness in his voice.  He had a visit from his aunt Ellen.  She decided today was the day to tell him about the many horrible things she thought about him.  I felt so sad for hiim as I know he's always cared for her, but said he knows he caused it.   Drug addiction creates such wreckage in the addict's life.  I love my son so much but also hate the addiction too.  I don't know why today was the day Ellen felt the need to confront Brent, but I can say that I  really wanted to punch her in the face.   All I could think was  "you bitch!"  Does the bitch not care that two weeks ago Brent wanted to die?????  Nooooo...she only cares that he took something from her.   Well, I'm mad that drugs took my beautiful son!  All I could do was say the Serenity Prayer silently until my anger and need to lash out at her passed.  She's a fool, Brent's dad is a bigger fool.  I guess that's on me as our kids don't get a say in who their family is right?    3 more weeks of rehab....god  I hope he stays strong and makes it this time.

New Hope

Today I'm feeling very hopeful once again.  Jack and I flew to CA to assist Brent in his transition back into rehab for another round of inpatient treatment. The first visit was a bit stressful as he was in detox.  His coloring was bad and so was his attitude.  Our 2nd and 3rd visit with him he was much better and more positive and seemed ready to get sober.  It occurred to Jack and I that part of Brent's cycle of addiction was to leave one location to another as a way to avoid dealing with consequences.  He's been doing that since he was a teenager. Whenever he became too much for his dad to deal with he would get shipped off to us and just when we'd get him back on track and headed in the right direction his dad would lure him back.  Having seen some success in his recovery program last year then going back to CA where he relapsed again we feel like he needs to stay in CA for his recovery work this time.  We are hoping this is a small change on our part to help that will have a big positive impact.  Here is where all his triggers are and he needs to know how to deal with those triggers and face the wreckage he's caused and deal with the consequences of his actions and choices.  He has 30 days in inpatient and will be given the opportunity to go into a residential sober living house in CA.  I'm so relieved at the moment and so happy that this weekend leaves me with a memory of his smiling face and love I felt towards us.  Today at least, I am not in my insanity box.

Self Care

I continue to look for ways to cope with the affects that my son's drug addiction has on me and our family.  Today, I decided to add blogging to my list of self-care options.  I keep searching for the one thing that is going to keep me sane!  I even got a tattoo of a lotus flower with the Serenity symbol as a daily reminder that I cannot control my son's addiction.   I attend Al-Anon meetings pretty regularly and they do help, but the one thing I find I'm missing is the cross talk we had when we were attending family group with Brent.  God, how I had such hope for Brent's recovery last year!  For a period of time, I had my funny and loving son back.  I had never felt closer to him when we attended the family group meetings each week.  He and I were able to open up to one another like never before and I actually thought the worst was over.  That's the game addiction plays on us I guess.  In September I saw him slipping away again.    I thought maybe blogging about living with my son's addiction might be a good replacement for the cross talk we don't do in the Al-Anon meetings.  With the hope that others would see my blog and comment.  For now, while I continue to wait for Brent to come back to us I will work on my own self-care plan by reading, going to the gym, crying, my work, my family, my friends, and trying to enjoy the good in my life as best I can.  I haven't worked the steps nor do I have a sponsor...maybe that should be next in my action plan

Sunday Weariness

It's Sunday again.  I should be thinking about what awaits me at work and how I can be most effective.  I should have gone to the gym with my husband.  Instead, I sit here and I am consumed by fear.  I'm afraid that this week will be a defining moment in my son's drug addiction and today I am lacking any hope.  This past week has been hell with each day bringing me new levels of heartbreak and anxiety.  Everyday during the past week the news about my son Brent became more bizarre as the days went on.   It started with reports that he had overdosed and died.  You can imagine what impact that had on me. Most of the time I get "Brent news" while I am at work in between meetings.  Through a network of Brent's non-addict friends I was able to confirm he had not died thankfully.  When I was able to track him down I had the misfortune of listening to my son go through horrific withdrawal symptoms on the phone. You see, he could not hear me but where I could hear him.  I could not hang up as horrifying as it was to hear his pain and agony, I kept thinking what if this is the last time I hear his voice? I kept telling him I loved him and begged him to ask for help.  I am bracing myself for what "Brent news" will be brought to me this week.  I wish and I hope, I know I have a tremendous amount of love for my son.  Sometimes it helps me to look at pictures of happier times with him.  Here is one I ran across of him and his beautiful daughter Ryann.   She's five now and I wonder where the time has gone and how do I get my funny, loving beautiful son back?!